[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️