Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Oh my God.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
How to properly lift a body
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”