Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.