It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”