Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You Might Also Like
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?