What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
You Might Also Like
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Pat is about to own someone
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.