My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.