Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
This is the best one I’ve seen
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.