Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal