ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Challenge accepted.