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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.