I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The cake is mightier than the sword.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.