The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
You Might Also Like
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.