“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.