There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I would like even faster food.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”