Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[adds another nod to the conversation]