Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.