It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
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hi why am I like this
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.