Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
🍛
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious