Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Mornin
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”