him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
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Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.