I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
No chill.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
me irl
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*