[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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Me :
All Day At Night
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.