Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me: