DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.