“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
You Might Also Like
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Cake safety first. Always.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.