DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
that de-escalated quickly