I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.