My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.