Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
sugar glider wrangler