If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
live long and prosper!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The human personality is made of five key elements
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.