Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
how to have an accident 101
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no