I’d use my best pan on you.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.