DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
This made me chuckle.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit