Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Not😆🤣
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.