Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol