I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
When your diet is finally over.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.