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I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?