Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women