The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW