“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“A little help here, Danny?”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?