I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon