No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Lucky old June.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
what does he know…
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal