If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts