You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.