Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The morning after pill, but for tweets
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I bet birds love this building.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.