I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I WON A HAM TODAY
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead