Why does laundry happen to good people?
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
just having fun
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.