How do you like your Corgi?
You Might Also Like
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Love thy neighbor’s dog
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone