It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”